Beat Conditioning and Build a Happier Life

In the past I have stressed the importance of living in the moment and not focusing on things that have already occurred. The exception, however, is when you do healing work as discussed in Anger Work, a book about releasing your anger and then channeling it in positive ways. Anger work helps you examine your past to work out negative experiences. Looking at the past can help you overcome the undesirable behavior in your life and build a happier one.

Human growth and development theory has shown that two things determine people’s looks and behavior. In other words, the kind of person you have become in the present, as well as how you are living your life, are based on two things. Psychologists usually shorten this idea into a phrase, “nature vs. nurture.” Nature means that the genes that we have inherited from our ancestors determine things like our hair and eye color, how tall or short we are, and perhaps some behavioral traits.

The second factor, nurture, also known as conditioning, refers to the way you were brought up and influenced by your parents and other people in your life. In addition are the things you experienced—things that happened to you, including both good things as well as traumas. I believe that conditioning is far more relevant in determining our behavior than genetics. In fact I believe that up to 80% of the way we act is established by our conditioning. And that is good news! It means that if we work to heal, we can make our lives better. We don’t have to be helpless by being stuck in patterns of behavior we can’t control. So if you think your bad temper is due to your father’s, indeed you might have learned that from him, but through working through your old experiences, you can learn to express yourself in more positive ways. Unlearning behaviors is not easy, however, because conditioning does run deep. It will take work!

Think about your family background. Was your mother a quiet person? Are you? How did your parents view money and possessions? Did you come from a wealthy or an impoverished family? Were your parents religious? Was that a big part of your family’s life? Was education important in your home? How about music? Did your parents play instruments? Do you? By understanding your past and knowing how you were raised, you will be able to make effective and lasting changes in yourself. You can work on changing the things about yourself that harm your life and grow into a lifestyle that will help you and the people around you live in peace. You can get rid of the habits and characteristics that you don’t like, and keep the positive things that you do.

Many people don’t want to deal with their past, particularly when they have lived through painful, traumatic experiences. But if you want to live a fulfilling, joyous life, you must address it. Not addressing the past is like stepping on a rusty nail and covering it with a Band-aid. If you don’t clean it out properly, it will get infected. And if the wound is serious enough, it will fester to the point where it compromises the health of your entire body.

Emotions work the same way. You may think that your old emotional wounds no longer have an impact on you, but unfortunately they can scar your whole life unless you acknowledge and heal them. These negative experiences could lead to bad habits that end up having profound effects on you.

Here’s an example: What if your parents were alcoholics and your childhood was marred by bad experiences involving their drinking. Perhaps you have already worked out the difficulties you experienced growing up in that environment. You’re not attracted to alcohol, and you’re not trying to find a mate who is an alcoholic. But because of your upbringing, you may still be conditioned to meet people at bars or clubs.

To change your conditioned pattern of socializing in places where alcohol is served, I suggest that you go to other places, like spiritual centers or churches, to meet people. You could also join community volunteer organizations or the Audubon Society or Sierra Club. You might go camping or on hikes or spend your Saturdays helping with environmental clean-ups. If you love nature or some other peaceful community activity, you can find people like yourself. Meeting different kinds of people in healthier places is an important way to change your old conditioning and reprogram your mind and spirit.

Another way you can begin to beat your conditioning is to bring new people into your life. You don’t have to disassociate yourself from everyone you know. But instead of seeing the same people you’ve entertained consistently for years, get to know new people who aren’t used to seeing you in your old environments. Find new social outlets. If you have more contact with new people, you will have opportunities to change the old patterns and replace them with newer, healthier ones.

By working to overcome the old conditioned patterns, you can live a happier, more joyous life.



Dr.Robert Puff expertise covers stress and anger management, parenting, relationships, depression & healing from past traumas. As a therapist, he has a holistic approach to psychological issues. Visit www.DoctorPuff.com for more info.