Strategies for Managing Relationships

Following are some guidelines covering areas that people commonly struggle with. They are meant to help you maintain healthy boundaries and improve the quality of your interactions with others. When I use the term ‘boundaries’ in this psychological setting, I’m referring to that invisible fence that needs to exist between any two people in order for the relationship to be healthy. When someone tosses a psychological grenade into our emotional landscape, or trespasses on our domain by being controlling or butting into our business, we say, “This person has crossed the line!” That line is our boundary. I hope you will find these suggestions helpful.

Abuse

Many clients that I work with have been treated poorly and even abused by family members, peers, and intimate partners in the past. As a result, they have become accustomed to this sort of treatment, and often tolerate cruel and disrespectful behavior. In a sense, they don’t know any better. I hope this won’t be your first time hearing this, but let me clearly say that unkind and degrading behavior is not okay–from anyone! If you are being physically abused, remove yourself from that situation immediately and find a safe place to work on the changes you need in your life.

That being said, it is also possible for someone in your life to become upset and engage in
negative, critical behavior that is not typical for him or her. When someone who cares about you has treated you badly, it is important for that individual to acknowledge this, show remorse, and take steps not to do this to you again. Human communication is inherently imperfect. It is possible for us to misinterpret someone’s intent in any given instance, either because of the way it was phrased or because of a bias on our own part. A certain amount of grace is required to navigate any relationship. However, if you find yourself in a pattern in which you are continually attempting to understand while an individual explains that his or her comment - which sounded cruel - meant something different than what you understood, take this as a red flag. Unless you have been diagnosed with paranoia, trust your gut instinct.

Some people have a pattern of hurting others repeatedly, only to apologize and promise to change, which they do, but often only temporarily. This is the classic cycle of domestic violence or abuse that so many individuals find themselves in. This not only applies to domestic violence, but to any kind of abuse. If you are caught in this cycle, set a boundary by creating enough space between yourself and the abuser for you to gain some clarity and peace. You will need this renewed perspective to help you make the important decisions about how to proceed.

Gossip and Negative Talk

I remember watching an episode of Gilligan’s Island when Gilligan found berries that allowed him to read other people’s minds. Gilligan shared the berries with his friends on the island, and not too long after this everyone started hating one another because they could hear the negative things they were thinking about each other. Gilligan burnt all the berries and everyone got mad at him and questioned why he had done this. He said “but look at how much damage it was causing!”

The moral of this story is that sharing all your negative thoughts with people causes damage to them and your relationship with them. When you hurt others, you just have to forgive yourself, and forgiving ourselves is probably one of the most difficult things to do. Even when you don’t say anything, but are thinking really mean thoughts about someone, it is not healthy for you. It can cause you to see yourself in a negative light, as cruel and unforgiving. At the very least, it robs you of your joy in experiencing the present moment.

The good news is that the reverse of this behavior is also true. When you focus on the beautiful traits of others, and even cultivate the habit of sharing your kind observations with them, your world will change. People around you will feel your love and warmth and benefit from it. You will feel more loving, and perhaps, slowly but surely, you will start to fall in love with yourself. Kindness, gentleness, warmth, and love are the gems of life. Share them with others and yourself, and see how “the world” begins to change.

It is also a good idea to limit your exposure to people who enjoy painting the worst possible picture of how things are - the Eeyores and Chicken Littles of your life. Assess whether the relationship is a “keeper” or “tosser.” If it is a keeper, you can care for them and love them, but don’t let them drag you down.

If you are in the presence of people who are gossiping, speaking negatively about another person, or taking the most negative view possible of a situation, I recommend redirecting the conversation. You can change the direction of the conversation by making a positive remark on the subject, or changing the subject entirely. Some may find it difficult to take such initiative and change the direction of the conversation, or it may simply not be worth the effort in many instances. If you find yourself in this position, the best thing you can do is cut the conversation short and just walk away. If you make a habit of only participating in positive conversations, you will find that you attract people with a positive attitude.

Teasing

Teasing is an area that is important to address as it often occurs between couples, families, and friends. Teasing can be harmful because it usually contains underlying criticism to it. Many people use teasing as a covert way to deliver complaints that are sensitive in nature. For example, a spouse might tease his or her partner about weight, or that “honey do” list. Usually the result of this kind of teasing is to irritate, if not emotionally injure the person being teased. It rarely results in the change that the teaser might hope for.

Another type of teasing is to pick on characteristics that the person may have no control over, such as a permanent physical trait or lack of ability. This may be an unconscious means of social positioning, like wolves in a pack, or it may be a well-meaning substitute for positive affection. Some men are uncomfortable with complimenting or being affectionate with other males, even their own family members. Their conditioning has taught them that this is “sissy stuff.” In an ironic twist, instead of saying “I love you” to the ones they care about, they tease them, having the opposite effect. In their own minds those doing the teasing may know that the characteristic they are teasing about is just a distinguishing quality that they find endearing; however, the one being teased almost never understands it that way.

Maybe you or someone you spend time with is in the habit of teasing. It might seem that you can’t have fun without teasing, but teasing can hurt a relationship and damage the self-esteem and confidence of an individual. No matter how tough or strong a person’s exterior is, we all care what our loved ones think of us, and we are all sensitive to the damage that teasing causes. Part of living a healthy lifestyle is eliminating mean-spirited or critical teasing both on the giving and receiving ends.


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