What NOT to Do When Doing Anger Work

I once worked with a family in which the man, Fred, had just found out that he didn’t get the promotion he had applied for. What’s more, his supervisor had criticized his work as sloppy and said that he would never get moved up if he kept working that way. He got home to his wife and daughter and started yelling about what a *#@~! his boss was, and started punching the walls and furniture. While he was enjoying the cathartic experience of releasing his anger, his family was having quite a different experience.

This kind of uncontrolled outburst is just that--it IS NOT ANGER WORK. Fred’s five year old daughter, who was too young to understand what was happening, was very frightened by the experience. She felt that something terrible had happened to change her daddy, and was worried about whether he was going to be okay. She was also afraid that in his anger he might “forget” and accidentally hurt her or her mom.

Remember, when children get a cut they are sincerely afraid they might bleed to death. They have not learned a sense of perspective yet, and a parent’s rage can be terrifying for
Them, even if it is not directed at them. Fred’s wife, Cheryl told me that she too was afraid. She was worried about the effect this display might have on her daughter. She was also afraid that Fred might destroy something of value.

When he had finished “venting,” her fear quickly turned to anger as she realized that he had indeed left a large dent in one of the kitchen cabinets, and a ceramic collectible lay broken on the floor. Fred had reason to be mad. It was a good idea for him to express that anger rather than keep it all bottled-up inside, but it was not a good idea to express it in the way that he did, and especially not at the cost of frightening his daughter. He went about it all wrong. It is not okay to roam around the house smashing things that are of value to yourself or others. It was not fair for Cheryl and their daughter to have to live with a damaged kitchen cabinet daily reminding them of this outburst. Nor would it be fair for the family to have to go to the expense of replacing it. By breaking the ceramic figurine he destroyed something of sentimental value to his wife, and in so doing he hurt her.

Fred came home from work that day needing to vent his anger and then receive the support of his family. Instead, his choices brought him the exact opposite of what he needed. When he was done, he felt worse than he had before. Now he not only felt like a bad employee, but a bad father and husband as well. Cheryl, whom he could normally rely upon for sympathy and encouragement, didn’t even want to talk to him. He made a bad day even worse for himself.




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